I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Randomize
