i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
somethin' about having sex in my parents bed makes me feel like l'm finally an adult.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
It's no shave November. This is our time.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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