Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
