I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
