I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
