I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
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