He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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