So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
