Soap is not a condiment
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
