This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Randomize
