Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
