I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
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