My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
Randomize
