my shit smells like andre
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Randomize
