she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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