Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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