Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
