His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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