I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
