I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
