I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Her little brother was home, so we had to hook up while playing hide and seek with him
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
It got heated then she just left and I was all alone in the women's restroom.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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