His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I'm like, not good at living.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
