i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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