Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
