Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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