You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
she peed on how many people?
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
