I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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