Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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