So drunk its hurt
I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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