It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
