btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
