My sheets look like a crime scene.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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