So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
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