I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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