I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
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