Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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