and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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