Just cropdusted the office
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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