I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
