why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
