u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I think my fart just growled at me.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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