Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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