I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
