You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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