Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
