hotel room ftw
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
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