you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
