What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize