I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
