ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
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