Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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