She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
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