and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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