I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
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