He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
