how can u be prego again
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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