my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
why is half of my head shaved?
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