You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Randomize
