Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
