Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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