he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize