so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
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