Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
Erin Andrews shaves. She also likes to check out her ass in the mirror. Of course if I had an ass like that I'd be checking it out in the mirror too.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
